Here is the first little story I wrote a number of years ago. It represents my finding my voice and the struggle to find the courage to ‘let it out’.
It was morning. She knew it was morning from the song , the one she was singing….in her head. She knew it was morning because all mornings started that way. Oh, the song was not always the same. Sometimes it was one she had heard yesterday, sometimes one from years ago She thought she had forgotten, sometimes the same song woke her every morning for months on end. But there was always a song. One she was singing….. that no one would hear.
The darkness was complete. No sliver of light penetrated the place where Note woke. But Note knew it was morning all the same. Because of the song, the unheard song, the one that wanted to be freed. The one that wanted light, air, space……life.
She sent out a note, a soft hmmmm. Would anyone hear? It ricocheted off the darkness and stayed inside. Note wanted out. But She saw the darkness. She felt the smallness of Note’s space. What would happen if she sent it out again, but louder. Could it pierce the blackness? What would happen to it then? Or would it again be forced to remain inside. She felt so alone. Could she survive if Note died? Or would she die if it didn’t get out? She curled around it, protecting. But it needed out. She would risk another try, just a bit loader. Mouth open this time. Aaaahhhh. Again it ricocheted inside. But it was alive! She probed it. Confusion. It felt ever so slightly stronger. Was this true? Hope sparked.
She tried again, louder. Maybe this time……….. LAAALAAAAALAAAAH. Again it ricocheted inside. But was that a flicker of light … just for a split second? Or was it just imagination, wishful thinking? She mulled that over for a while, checking out her note from all angles, convinced there must be some damage. But she couldn’t find any. It seemed OK. Even more eager to get OUT. She could feel its anger now, like a thorn inside her. OUT! No more sleeping.
She listened and and fretted and longed, and worried. What if it did penetrate the dark? What if it really got OUT? Would she be left alone? Would it come back to rest inside again? Had that light even been real? Maybe she should wait a while. But the note didn’t want to wait. It pricked her over and over again. OUT! OUT! OUT! The pain nagged..
OK. Once more. Really loud this time. LALALALALALALALALAAAAAH!!!!!!!Yes!!! Light!! A tiny crack. But it stayed there. It didn’t disappear! LALALALALALALALALALAH!!!!!!! Was it growing?
Again! LALALALALALALAH!!!!!! No!!!! Don’t leave me!!! Come back! I promise I won’t lock you up again!. I promise I’ll leave the way open. Just don’t leave me! You have a warm place to sleep inside me, to rest when you need to. To practice getting stronger. I’ll help you make the light bigger so you can get in and out more easily. Please!! I promise! Come back!
It was cold in the light. Note trembled , hovering just at the edge of the crack. It peeked back inside. With the crack there now, still open, she could tell it was not quite so dark anymore. A memory came. It had been warm in there. Cozy even, when Note was asleep. Could it go back and still get out again when she wanted to? Or would she close it, trap Note again.
Note shivered. Inside was warmth and safety. Outside was freedom but with no place to get warm again, to rest. And Note knew that she needed it, that without Note she would be empty.
Would she keep her promise? Note pricked at the crack. Make it bigger! But nothing happened.
“I need your help … in here” she pleaded ‘We can only do it from the inside, together.”
Note shivered again. It sat at the edge of the crack and thought. Note had been trapped for so long. But it knew it wanted to grow much bigger and for that it needed warmth. But what if she closed the crack? Yes, but Note was stronger now. Strong enough to make a new crack if she didn’t want it to? Maybe. Maybe not. Note was shivering more now. Where would it find warmth if it didn’t go back inside? And it really had been so cozy in there. And she had promised to make the crack bigger and let Note out whenever it wanted.
OK. Note crept back in. The warmth felt so good. And the crack was still there, not bigger but not smaller either. And she had said she needed Note to help to make it bigger hadn’t she? But first some rest. Sleep. Note started to drift, then quickly caught itself and opened one eye. Yes the crack WAS still there. Sleep.
It was morning. She knew it was morning from the song. But something was different. Was that a crack of light?